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Hi My name is Chelli, and I am The Super Troll Goddess. I have studied and learned from the best of them. I have surpassed all other SuperTrolls and now am the leader and omnipotent Head Troll. I want to share with the rest of you aspiring SuperTrolls how to get there in the fastest, most expedient way possible...and be the most effective you can be. Please read on, to learn how you, too, can realize your dreams in a short amount of time.
The Basics
1. You must embrace your trollness. If you don't love your qualities, how can you possibly shove them down anybody else's gullet? Let's face it, either way you are who you are, so know it and develop it to the nth degree--it's more fun that way!
2. Learn the ins and outs of riding the fine line so as to not get kicked out--unless banning is a goal. (That will be discussed under SuperTrolldom.) You can swear and yell all you want about things--just don't specifically aim it at another Viner. If you are going to plagiarize, you have to at least change the title. Remember, and this is important: The COH is a guideline not something to be strictly adhered to at all times. But, if you peak too soon, it will be harder to really get your digs in and teach people how stupid and irrelevant they and their thoughts are.
3. When you start, you really should target newbies. Go to the greenhouse often, and carefully hone your craft. It is not wise to begin with Tyler, Sally, and the Newsvine Guides. They'll gut you in no time, and have the resources to hunt you down in the future. This is also a goldmine resource to add friends to your list--those suckers will accept anyone. It's also a great way to compile a list of people to stalk later on....drooling...yummmmm I love eating up the newbies =)
The Meat
Once you are comfortable with what you want to do, you are ready to master the mainstream articles and seeds. Here's what you do.
1. Oppose everything that you read. Even if you agree, find one word or one sentence and rip it apart piece by piece. Then add some snark about the stupidity of anyone (don't name names) that could spew forth that unworthy bunk. If you have the time, link 20 or 30 links that you've never read but found on a simple wikipedia or google search. Most people won't take the time to read them if you over do it.
2. Visit every article that is a sure fire hate fest that you can. These articles will allow you to cross that fine line because, lets face it, almost everyone else there is doing it already. If there is a high number of comments and an absentee author/seeder, it's even better! Don't forget to visit the MSNBC and AP originated articles--and often, because they are never moderated unless multiple complaints are sent in. The tags to look for are: Atheism, Religions of all kinds, Race, Immigration, abortion, Politics, sexism, terrorism, discrimination, Cops, Sarah Palin, and sometimes even Walmart.
3. Be rude. Who do these people think they are that expect everyone to have sunshine and happiness blowing out of their orifices all day, everyday. You have a real life where you put up with that crap--this place is for your mental health. It's your right to take it out on them. If they knew the @!$%# you put up with everyday--they'd be joining in. We all can't have perfect lives like the Nazi's that try to keep us in their politically correct, polite little prisons 24/7/365. Bastards are all probably super rich anyways with money that we'll never make, even though we are smarter and more capable...they're all born with silver and gold spoons in thier mouths--that's the only way to get those kinds of cushy jobs. Damned Nepotism...but I digress.
4. Join as many groups as will let you in. You can clip and post to them randomly as you escalate your greatness. You also will find more personal articles for the future and personal information that you can use when you are at your height of trollness.
You are now ready to rise into:
SuperTroll
Let the Glory begin! This is where you begin targeting individuals and ripping them apart and ruining their lives. You'll know when you get here, because people will recognize you. They'll start to call you by name--troll. This, This is the culmination of your patience. This is where the fun truly starts. Your patience will most definitely be rewarded and your research of people and groups will pay off.
1. Choose a victim. Stalk them relentlessly. They comment--you countercomment and stick one toothpick at a time into their little eyeballs with the knowledge you've amassed about them. They write or seed and article--you show up and derail it until it is taken down. If you've learned their true identity, send some crap to their employer. Hell, send a letter to their spouse or kids about their horrible traits and lie about having an affair with them. If they are in a clique here, you add their friends to your target list. Anyone that engages you--is your next target.
2. Find personal articles where groups of friends have "fun", and talk about personal hardships and exclude people like us...those people deserve to know what real fun and real pain are. We are here to show them! Someone died--good! Let's tell them why it's the poster's fault and they deserved it. Someone's sick--good! Get in there and tell them exactly why it's their own fault. Somebody's having a "fun" conversation--flock that! Get in there and tell them how outside the COH they are and report them. Don't forget to tell them that this is not what Newsvine is for. Tell the simps that they need to stick to facebook or twitter. Sheesh! We're here to spread knowledge, not inane crap like constipation and feelings. Come on people! I am the decider and I know what is appropriate--don't you listen???
3. Make sure that you are writing articles that draw in the suckers and ramp up the hate. You have to create that feeling for yourself sometimes--you can't always wait for someone else to provide the forum for you. Even better--anyone that you don't like or that you disagree with--delete their stupid assed post. As the writer/seeder of the article, you have all of the control! Woot! Woot! If they don't agree with you--they are clearly in violation of the COH and Off topic! (This my billy goat eaters, is why #2 in The Basics was so important).
4. Once you've been banned--and my fellow bridge dwellers--you WILL be banned. You need to set up a new account. Hopefully you will have read this and kept a list of your frenemies so you can pick up where you left off. I would even suggest starting up a limited new rereg account once you start the SuperTroll Category. That way you can stalk yourself and be sure to get all of your information. You may need to have more than one computer, or go the the library to keep the hounddogs from tracking you down for certain. Keep setting up new accounts as long as possible. NEVER change your ways. It is certain that someday, you will be allowed to resume your fun times at Newsvine High!
Good luck! Enjoy your new status, once you've reached it, you will wonder what the heck you waited for =) I also expect a pittance of your NV earnings as I helped to build you. But, you can save it to buy my new book that comes out next week. It's not advertising if I don't say the name, right?
As always, Screw the COH and rip 'em apart and take names later. BTW, I don't care who you go after on this article, but I will delete indiscriminately anybody that I disagree with or who pisses me off. I'm really the only person whose opinion matters anyways. I am your Troll Goddess, you need to learn what I say. It is the only way that possesses the truth. And if you think this is serious, learn to look at tags, dip@!$%#!
